“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
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Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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a
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GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
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Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.