Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
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Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.