A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Danger is very dangerous
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.