Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
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i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
The honesty is refreshing
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]