The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
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Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.