HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
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The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
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.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
If snakes were wide
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Baller is short for ballerina
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…