My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
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Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Well, this explains it:
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park