Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
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I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend