Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
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Lmfao
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
You can’t outrun your problems…
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet