5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
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Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
2022 be like
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.