I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
You Might Also Like
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Me sliding into hell like
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
notice
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.