Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
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Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
#Caturday
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.