Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
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never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
We decided to have money instead of children.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no