A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
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Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Good Morning.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets