my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
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ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.