slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
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ed has no gf cuz sheran away
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”