Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
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[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it鈥檚 full of skeletons now
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn鈥檛 feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.馃檮
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory鈥es
Me: ok let鈥檚 do this
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I鈥檓 excuse, what鈥檚 your drunk
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.