[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
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Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.