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Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.