If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
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[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit