Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
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Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.