I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
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Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Did…did a minotaur write this
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
he’s doing your taxes
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.