just leave it at the foot of the bed
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this makes me so uncomfortable
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing