Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
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I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
the official breakfast of 2021
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
This is the one