Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
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I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
mathematically impossible