My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
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Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
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Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Happy Taco Tuesday
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter: