I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
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I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet