[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
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Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Battery falling down a hole
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.