We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
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HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Going into Monday like
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.