Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
My sex drive has a dui
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling