He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
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All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.