Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
You Might Also Like
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Meow?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.