There are no pants in heaven.
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Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
The Struggle
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!