Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
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[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
this is the greatest thing ever
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I saw this ending much differently.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.