One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
You Might Also Like
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!