*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
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[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.