Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
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15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
ok like just. call me at this point
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.