My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
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Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15