My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
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*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day