“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
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Who knew!
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum