DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
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Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.