The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
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we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I didn’t realize that was an option
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”