Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
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Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
The Others (2001)
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)