My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
You Might Also Like
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
S/o to @funTweeters .
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!