Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
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Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
This is a bad sign
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down