Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
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Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Every work call, he judges.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
😅😅😅
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Trains are just sideway elevators.
mentally somewhere in italy
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo