5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
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*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
This a good idea
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I love the National Park Service.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want