2 years later
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just got my engagement photos
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My daily affirmation
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see