*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
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“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]