doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
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my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*